genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
