When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
