YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
