I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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