Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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