I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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