Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
