you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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