Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
