I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
FUCK WHALES
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
