I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
