god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
