I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
