So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
