I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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