do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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