I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
