did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
