My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
