If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
