Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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