Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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