Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This baby is an asshole
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
