I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
