Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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