One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
