i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
