dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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