bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
