Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
