I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone shit on the floor
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
