I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
