ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
