wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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