i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
