had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
