Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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