Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
