That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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