I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
