Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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