I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
