Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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