R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
