Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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