Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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