So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
50% drunk capacity currently
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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