I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
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We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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