Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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