Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
