Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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