he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
