currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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