saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
