True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How does one acquire holy water?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
