Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
