so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
