i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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