Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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