just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
