Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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