i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
