Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
