he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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