Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He did a backflip because drugs
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
