I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
