Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
